“Don’t spend too long looking up quotes on the internet. Go outside or something and use some of them.”
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I have a knack of always beating the rush to a line, but I never really checked to see if I was actually just holding up the line and making it longer.
…Nah. That’s impossible.
What can I start you off with?
I’ll have the wings
Excellent choice
And I’ll have the onion rings
Excellent choice as well, you’ll enjoy them.
And I’ll have the quesadilla
…interesting.
What?
Nothing.
Should I choose something else?
No, it’s just an interesting choice; that’s all.
What’s interesting? Is that bad?
No, not necessarily. Just… interesting.
Should I be concerned?
No.
Would it be better if I got onion rings?
I mean, it depends on you. If you want a quesadilla, I would recommend you get the quesadilla; but the onion rings would be an excellent choice.
…fine. I’ll get the onion rings.
Are you sure?
…not really, but I have to choose something.
Well, you don’t HAVE to choose anything.
But I’m hungry.
So what do you want to eat?
I said I’ll have the onion rings—no wait, I still want the quesadilla.
Okay.
…Okay?
Yeah. Okay.
So it’s okay with you all of a sudden?
Sure.
Good.
Good. I’ll bring those right out.
Fine.
Fine.
A lady in a wheelchair asked me “are you using this chair?” A part of me wanted to say, “don’t you already have a seat?” But the bigger part of me just stammered and shook my head; more so in confusion than in reply. She towed the wooden chair across the tile floor of the coffee shop, turning heads and whatnot, and then plopped it in front of a cushy armchair in the corner. She neither sat in the wooden chair, nor the cushy armchair. She was waiting for a friend, which cleared up my confusion about someone chair-bound asking for a chair, but when her friend came, she sat in the cushy armchair and the wooden chair just stood there, staring at them. After a few minutes the woman in the cushy armchair set her purse down on the wooden chair. I was still confused as to why the chair had been brought over, but at least it had a purpose, so I got back to work.
You know when it’s super quiet at the library, or a quiet spot in a movie, there’s always that one person that thinks if they unwrap their crinkly candy wrapper r e a l l y s l o w l y then you won’t be able to hear it? It’s more distracting when you’re trying not to draw attention to yourself. It’s going to make a noise either way; don’t drag it out. Just do it quickly and get it over with.
I am now promoting my twitter account, @allmostrelevant. It’s funny and keeps you notified.
…There
Analyzing a joke is like telling someone cake is unhealthy. You don’t ever hear a comedian say, “does this joke make me look fat?” Just laugh and eat the cake. You can’t talk and chew at the same time.
You know at baggage claim when a bunch of the people from your flight are all waiting around because your bags haven’t come yet because maybe one of the baggage cars got unhitched and meandered onto the runway or something. Either way, everyone’s kind of in this daze, but not because they don’t have their bags–I think it’s because there’s always that one big bag that looks kind of old or is a bright gaudy color, that keeps doing laps around the carousel. And so everybody just watches it, licking their lips, half jealous to the point that they consider grabbing it so they have something to go home with, but really you just can’t help but wonder, “what’s that guy doing?” I know they didn’t miss the flight ’cause it was full, and it’s been a half hour, did he get stuck in the lavatory or something, or did he have to finish his in-flight entertainment ’cause he just had to see how Lincoln was going to end. And they couldn’t have taken someone else’s bag because there’s no possible way two pale green corduroy suitcases were ever made. This one was certainly a mistake. Maybe that’s why it’s been abandoned. There’s probably nothing in it. The owner probably just checked it so they could leave it at the airport and not have to deal with it anymore. If I ever try to leave my baggage at an airport like that I’ll at least have the decency to tape a “4 Sale” sign to it so someone else can grab it.
allmostrelevant 